Vol 2 – July/August

More than anything else in life, relationships can make or break us. Knowing a little about assertiveness can help us build and maintain authentic connections.

In this issue:

What is Assertiveness?
Ask an Assertiveness Expert
Assess your Level of Assertiveness
Detachment—the Healthy Partner of Assertiveness

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a very commanding word. It seems to carry a degree of clout. Yet, for many of us, its practical meaning is unclear and our resources aren't much help. “To declare positively or to state openly,” is all the dictionary offers.

If we go further, we can learn much more about assertiveness:

Assertiveness means expressing our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs in a direct, honest and appropriate way, while respecting both ourselves and others.
Assertiveness aims for a “win-win” solution so that the needs of both parties are met to the greatest degree possible.
Assertiveness leads to honest relationships while increasing our feelings of well-being.
Assertiveness improves our decision-making ability and our chances of getting what we really want from life.

Is it really possible to create win-win solutions, build honest relationships and get what we really want from life?

Here are some suggestions about how to build more assertiveness into our lives:

Ask for what you want — but be aware that your assertion does not mean that you will always get what you want (this is where detachment comes in handy); however, a lack of assertiveness most certainly contributes to relational conflict.
Be clear — say “yes” when you mean yes, “no” when you mean no, and “maybe” when you mean maybe. Assertiveness means being clear but not necessarily sure.
Take responsibility — acknowledge accountability for your feelings. Admit your mistakes, oversights and offences, and make amends.
Calm your inner critic — the one who always calls you selfish or demanding. Your reluctance to assert yourself may stem from the wrong place—a low sense of self-worth. Expressing your needs and wants is valid because you are worthy.

Ask an Assertiveness Expert

Q: What's the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness?

A: Understanding this difference determines the impact we have in our personal and business relationships. Most of us judge aggressiveness negatively and are uncertain about how to separate it from assertiveness.

Aggressiveness involves expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but regardless, it communicates disrespect. By being aggressive, we put our wants, needs and rights above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where assertiveness seeks for a win-win solution, aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution. Aggressiveness is “me-centred” while assertiveness is “we-centred”.

Here are some comparative statements to help illustrate the difference:

Aggressive: “This is sloppy work.”
Assertive: “The pages in this report are out of order.”

Aggressive: “He makes me angry.”
Assertive: “I get angry when he breaks his promises.”

Aggressive: “You are never on time.”
Assertive: “You were 15 minutes late today. That's the 3rd time this week.”

Assess your Assertiveness

Here's a quick quiz to help you determine your level of assertiveness:

When you disagree with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?
Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?
Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestions?
Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
Do you express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
Do you try to work for a solution that, to the greatest degree possible, benefits all parties?

If you answered “yes” to 6 or more questions, you are likely very assertive. You are probably more efficient at work and experience lower levels of stress.

If you answered “yes” to between 3 and 6 questions, your heart is definitely in the right place but you could stand to gain by increasing your commitment to act assertively.

2 and under? It might be time to consider what your low level of assertiveness is really costing you.

Detachment—the Healthy Partner of Assertiveness

To many of us, detachment means “icy” and “aloof” (think silent treatment). However, detachment can be a very healthy and loving position to take in relationships. It's basically saying “I know I don't really have the ability to control events and people, so I'm choosing to let go.” It's the perfect companion to assertively asking for what you want and need. We no longer need to manipulate outcomes or obsess and worry that things won't go the way we want them to go. We can experience great freedom in letting go.

Attachment, on the other hand, is becoming overly-involved and hopelessly entangled. Think about a time when you were obsessing over someone or something. You couldn't get your mind off that person or problem. You weren't thinking all that clearly, your feelings were probably a confusing blur and you had no idea what you should do. But you knew you had to DO SOMETHING—and fast!

This would be a logical time to detach because staying attached will only continue the downward spiral that leads to more confusion, pain and suffering.

Take a “time out” and write your thoughts and feelings down on paper. The anxiety of attachment tends to grip the mind, paralysing it into an endless rehashing of the same useless thoughts. Once we see those thoughts on paper, we can usually step back and gain some much-needed perspective. Ask yourself what you need to do to take care of yourself in that moment. This is a sure-fire way to jolt your focus onto a bigger picture.

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